Self Examination

I give up.

I have typed this 6 or 7 times. Don't really know what to say. I had a whole lot of stuff to say but being me, I ****ed it up once again.

Being a pesimist sucks. God I wish I could have a positive outlook on life, but all I see is death and destruction. Noone cares for anyone but themselves these days. So why should I care? I don't know, but I do.

No you dont care because you just typed "I give up." Someone who cares continues to care even in the face of insurmountable odds.

Life is all about death and destruction. People are dead a whole heck of a lot longer than they are alive, so that right there gives you a clue as to what life wants outta you. It wants you dead and to stay dead. And of course nobody cares for anybody but themselves. Thats been a part of human nature for as long as anybody can remember.

let me rephrase. I care about people. I don't care about dying. Eventually, that's going to happen...no matter how fast I run, it will always be one step ahead.

Write it out Ax, I want to hear it.

Because matt seemed interested, I am writing this all out.

My life is one huge mess. I describe it to my family as a tangled phone cord. No matter what you do to untangle the cord, it will just end up in a big mess and you have to start over again.

Well, I have never been really understood by anyone in my family. My brother is probably the only one who has some idea, but he will never really know. They are all too busy telling me what is wrong with me on the outside to help me fix what is wrong on the inside.

I have pretty much given up on ever being really happy. Maybe one day I will meet a nice girl who loves me for me, and doesn't mind that I will never be able to give her what she really deserves. I have also given up on ever having a decent paying job where I earn what I am worth. I will probably be one of those 9 to 5 drones you see every day. You thank god that you aren't them. Well, that's me.

I look at it like this. I was given a metaphorical shovel when I graduated from highschool. I started digging myself a hole shortly there-after and I haven't stopped yet. The more I struggle mentally and emotionally to get myself out of this funk, the deeper into it I dig.

I have gotten really good at putting on a false face so that the people I associate with don't really know that I am probably mentally ill. I'm not suicidal or homicidal. I beat myself up mentally. Have you ever laid awake at night, tired out of your mind? You know you need to go to sleep, but it would be pointless. When you wake up, you will just be the same failure you were when you went to sleep. I do that everynight. It's probably unhealthy. It may even be the reason why I can't get attached to a woman for more than a few weeks.

I think about that one girl after 'my ex'. The one who did everything she could to please me, but instead of me returning her love, I pushed her away. Right now, at this moment, she means everything to me. I wish I could tell her, but she is married with two kids. Kids that could have been mine and hers together. Instead I pissed it all away because I didn't want my feelings to be hurt.

My mother suggested I go to church, but it's difficult to explain to your mother that you don't hold the same religious beliefs as her. Afterall, she raised me to be a good Christian man. Alas, the sheep has strayed from flock. I lost my faith in God or whatever you want to call 'it' a long time ago. I am not an atheist, more like agnostic. Some argue that God is what is missing in my life and all I need is some good ol' fashioned religion, but I have tried it. It didn't make me feel any better about myself.

I have tried to figure out exactly where I went wrong. My family claims that I was raised well, but some of the memories I have lead me to believe that may not be true. I won't air that dirty laundry here, just know that I wasn't abused physically, but mentally by an over-bearing step-father and the lack of presence of my birth father.

I could go on for hours about this, and if I thought it would accomplish anything, I would. So, there you have it. That is what is bothering me. Quite possibly the reason why I can never be satisfied with anything I ever post on this forum, not that my work matters, but it could be an indicator.

And before you go asking or suggesting it, yes, I have had professional help. All she could do was tell me to take some medication that made me tired and lazy.

I am not looking for sympathy either. So don't give me any. I just need to vent somewhere, and my parents don't really care to hear it.

Die Ax. I didnt read all that. But die. Yay.

gee thanks mbb.

perhaps a gfy is in order.

so. GFY!

I won´t pretend I know or understand you, ax, but I just have to say that it takes courage to write stuff like that somewhere like this. I think it rocks more than anything.

I know I wouldn´t have the balls to do it.