Why can't they hear me?

As I sit here, I have tears in my eyes.

Becoming emotional about small things has become a frequent event since my fiancee and I called it quits a few months ago. Since then, I've been in therapy for depression. I've taken their pills...they've done me no good. I've listened to the advice of people who don't want to understand what is going on inside my head.

They're listening, but they don't hear me.

I'm so frustrated with life and everything about it right now, that I just want to give up...I don't know why I keep going on, but I do. Perhaps there's something in whatever master plan that I have yet to do. I don't know. 5 months ago, I would have told you exactly my place in this grand scheme. I was going to be a father and a husband. I was scared but anxious. I was looking forward to being married and helping my fiancee raise her child and perhaps fathering a couple of my own.

Something changed. I don't know what. Somewhere along the way the love we had for each other wasn't enough to overcome the adversity of an interracial couple. Since that day when she told me she didn't think a marriage between us would work, my life has been one wrong turn after another. I had a plan. My plan got shot to peices.

I don't know why I'm typing this here. Noone here knows me on a personal level and everyone has their own problems. Talking about it to therapists doesn't help. Mood altering drugs artificially change my mood, but deep down, I still miss her. I wish I could convince her that she and I could handle anything thrown our way as long as we worked together...

I know you feel comfortable baring your soul here, and that's certainly OK. The feedback can be a great help.

But take it from this (almost) 46 year old who knows what you're going through:

IF you're drinking or taking or abusing ANY drugs not prescribed to you—legal or illegal—STOP IT, NOW. Yes, even weed. Yes, even the occasional beer or two or five. Even if you only do it a little bit. If you're actively taking steps to help you get through this—through therapy and prescribed medication—any mind-altering habits not on the therapist's menu will only serve to help nullify any benefits those things may provide for you.

If you need help with stopping drugs or drinking, be honest with yourself and enlist your therapist's help in finding a way to do that.

If your mind and body aren't clear and focused on getting better, you'll only be wasting your time and money.

These things hurt. They hurt even after a while when you think you got over it. Especially if you're an emotional type.
So talk man. What is going on inside your head? Does it feel like there's no tomorrow? Like there's no stuff worth working for? Like you're speaking a different language from what everyone else is speaking? Believe it or not.. this sort of pain is not yours alone. All the feeling useless and frustrated that there's no way out.... And it does get easier. With time. Try to feed on it. In a while it will be a sweet memory - even if it's bitter. Damn I didn't want it to sound like poetry
Cheer up man. And speak to us

[QUOTE=Utopian23]I know you feel comfortable baring your soul here, and that's certainly OK. The feedback can be a great help.

But take it from this (almost) 46 year old who knows what you're going through:

IF you're drinking or taking or abusing ANY drugs not prescribed to you—legal or illegal—STOP IT, NOW. Yes, even weed. Yes, even the occasional beer or two or five. Even if you only do it a little bit. If you're actively taking steps to help you get through this—through therapy and prescribed medication—any mind-altering habits not on the therapist's menu will only serve to help nullify any benefits those things may provide for you.

If you need help with stopping drugs or drinking, be honest with yourself and enlist your therapist's help in finding a way to do that.

If your mind and body aren't clear and focused on getting better, you'll only be wasting your time and money.[/QUOTE]

nah. not taking any drugs or drinking. I gave up the drinking I used to do in college because I hated feeling like crap in the morning. I have a beer on occasion, but that's it. As for drugs...Drugs are responsible for tearing my mother and father apart. They may not have lasted long if there were no drugs present, but my father's addictions didn't help anything. I've smoked a little pot during my days in college, but haven't touched it in almost 10 years now. It has nothing to offer me.

I feel a little silly having posted this here, as I'm not really looking for sympathy. But I know depression is something that a lot of people, sadly, go through. Just wondering how some folks have handled it. I've sat in several sessions with a therapist. She wants to hear about my childhood and how I feel about it. I've always made it perfectly clear that I had a good childhood. We weren't rich and my mother had to struggle to raise 3 kids all while finishing her own college education and working 2 full time jobs. When it comes down to it, I've really got nothing to complain about.

They've given me a prescription to zoloft. I take it as I was instructed to do. It doesn't help. On the inside I'm still bothered by everything that hasn't gone right, no matter how much planning I put into it.

It doesn't feel like there is "no" tomorrow. You would have to understand what has happened to me in the past 5 months to understand what is going on. Looking back into my childhood isn't going to help me resolve anything.

So...the story.

Last November, my fiancee came to me and told me that she was pregnant. I'd never been confronted with something so life-changing before, so I asked her what she wanted to do. She told me she wanted to think about it. Inside of myself, I was hoping she would want to have my child as, at the time, we were deeply in love. After a week, she came to me and told me that she wanted to terminate the pregnancy. We talked about it and agreed that, for our relationship, it was best to not cloud it up. Later, I became apprehensive about it and tried to talk her out of it. She was steadfast in her decision. So, I gave her half of the money, drove her to Charlotte, NC and we stayed overnight while she had the procedure done. The magnitude of what I'd just helped her do didn't hit me for almost 2 months later when we started having problems.

Two months later, she told me she didn't think a marriage between us would work out and that she wouldn't be happy because of the way our parents would treat us and our 'future children'. At the time, what I heard was "I don't want to be with you anymore". She had already asked me to stop staying over. The affection we once shared had gone. I still felt it, but it wasn't recipricated. So, I took the hint and broke it off.

Keep in mind, that I had worked with this woman for 2 years. During that 2 years, I spent all of my energy on making her and her daughter happy. They were the two most important women in my life. I neglected doing alot of things I wanted to do to make sure I was there for her when she needed me. Seeing her everyday but not being able to be with her was tearing me to peices. So, one day I walked into my job and quit. An irrational decision, but at the time, it seemed the best for me to not be near her, otherwise, I wouldn't be able to get over losing her. It hasn't worked. She still crosses my mind every day. A song on the radio. A car on the road. The smell of her perfume...suddenly I'm thinking of her and what should have been. Top it off with the fact that I quit a good job only to end up working in a gas station for half of what I used to make, I look in the mirror and I see failure.

I've never been able to get this whole "life" thing right. My parents think it's because I am so negative. What they neglect to realize is that, when I was with this woman and her child, I felt like the happiest man alive. I had a purpose. I felt needed.

The thing that spurred all this on is that I had to go pick up some of my stuff that I had left at her apartment the last time I was there. I had taken some pots and pans because I did all the cooking while she took care of her daughter. Seeing all of my stuff piled up in my truck, leaving a familiar place that I enjoyed being started that familiar knot in my guts and I had to sit in my car for a few minutes before I could drive.

I know I'm not the only one who has ever had anything like this happen to them. Maybe some people handle it well. Me, I have a problem dealing with it. I thought talking about it to someone would help, but it hasn't. My mother tells me that I don't have to forgive myself for ending the pregnancy. She says it was her decision alone and not mine, but that hasn't helped me forgive myself. How can I expect to be forgiven when I can't forgive myself.

When it comes down to it. The therapists, my parents, my friends...they're listening, but they can't hear what I'm saying.

hang in there man, you'll get thru it. i'm praying for ya, feel free to drop me an e-mail if you need/want to.

chris

Don't feel like a failure because you quit your job, you had a reason for doing it -- even if that reason's not valid anymore -- it's not like you were doing a bad job!
You approved an abortion... people do that. You may regret it, but she would've probably done it anyway. It's like almost dying doing something stupid (climbing onto a roof or driving while drunk), you feel frightened and bad afterwards, but you still survived to learn to be more careful in the future.
You lost a relationship... happens all the time. And each time, people are depressed and angry. Also, each time, after a while, people move on and start over. It's not like you're too old to start anew, right?

They're listening, but they don't hear me.

I've got my own share of problems, and I do like talking to some people about them from time to time... but for me, I'm best off talking with myself. I've come to accept the fact that people can listen, but can't understand. Not well enough, anyway.

I don't know why I keep going on, but I do. Perhaps there's something in whatever master plan that I have yet to do. I don't know. 5 months ago, I would have told you exactly my place in this grand scheme.

I'm not a religious person, so I like to believe we make our own master plans. And of course you've got things to do, you can't sit there for the rest of your life, can you? :D That doesn't mean you can't take a pause and think about things for a while -- there's no hurry when it comes to coming over problems like these.

I was looking forward to being married and helping my fiancee raise her child and perhaps fathering a couple of my own.

You can still do all that.

I had a plan. My plan got shot to peices.

Plans tend to do that, luckily they can be altered and renewed, right? It's not "Game Over," it's "Continue."

I don't know why I'm typing this here. Noone here knows me on a personal level and everyone has their own problems.

Maybe that's why you are typing it here? I, at least, like the idea of talking to strangers much better than with people I kind of know. Either it's VERY CLOSE people, or total strangers that do it for me.

Anyway, you'll get through these things. I like to think of my own life as a timeline on a computerscreen, with huge ups and looong downs here and there. I imagine zooming out when I'm down and learning to trust the fact that there will be a new up coming along eventually because of the tight pattern of ups and downs. It doesn't make one feel much better at that moment, but at least one knows it will get better, it always does.

I've hesitated replyin' Ax... I wasn't sure what you needed. I wasn't sure what you wanted to hear. I imagine you're like most people, you want to know you're not alone--and you want to know that it's okay to feel how you feel. Well, you're not alone, there's people around here who've known you for years and care what happens to you--and I think most everyone here is voicing that we understand why you hurt the way you do.

I wanted to give you more... some direction or sage wisdom that would lift you up--but everyone's already done a good job of that too. Then I had a realization. You already have the answer to this. You found it a few years back. You couldn't find work, you were losing your apartment, and I think you were down to your last couple of packages of Ramen noodles, or Macaroni & Cheese, or whatever. I offered to send you money--and you wouldn't take it. You found the strength to go on within' yourself. It wasn't someone else who did it. You did. I know it's hard when your every thought was for someone else for so long, and now she's gone. But you have to find the strength within yourself again. Trust yourself.

Unlike Paavo (woohoo, he's BACK!), I am a religious man--but I still agree with him. I think you do make your own master plan--for me it's just whether or not you consult God along the way ;) You need to trust yourself and be strong for YOU. We care what happens to Andy.

The other day I was thinking, and I came to the realization:

At the start, you have a problem, and it sucks. There is a long meantime in which everything sucks, but as long as you can tough it through the meantime, you are at the end. And at the end, everything is okay again. Something happened during the meantime, where everything worked its way out. It may not have worked out how you wanted in the start, but the point is it worked out, everything is okay again, you can keep going. I have found this to be aplicable to any problem, big or small, and the size of the problem can alter the timespan of the meantime respectivley, but it all works out in the end.

At least, that is how I see things, and it has helped recently to make me a slightly happier, more optomistic person, I'm sure it should work for you too. I'm sure that's how it will be. And the best part about the meantime is that you have people who care about you to help you through it. Even if they have no clue, their ignorance can help you move on and get away from it all.




- Mark